Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19) - If there's one astrological sign no one wants to be this week, it's probably Aries. Try changing it up if you can ... have you ever thought about being more of a Scorpio?

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May. 20) – The Ford Taurus has to be the worst car ever made. End of story. And now that they switched from making mid-sized Tauruses to making full-sized Tauruses, they've made the car even worse. I mean, you must have skill to take the worst car ever, and make it worse. Taurus, stay out of a Taurus.

Gemini (May. 21 - Jun. 20) - You're really sweet, Gemini, but the mullet thing is getting really distracting. I know a good barber in town if you'd like his number. If you don't want his number, though, I know how to get in touch with a few Billy Ray Cyrus fans in town, too.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Get rid of all that baggage you've been carrying around! Nobody's really been listening since Tuesday anyway. Or, if you're really into baggage, try making something up to keep things interesting, and throw a little truth in here and there. Someone's bound to take the bait and give you some superficial advice!

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You made some bad decisions last week that are going to haunt you. If you feel like sharing, e-mail [newspapr].

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22) - You might be loose, but you are not ready. Stay in this weekend and make yourself useful. By the way, that person you've been making eyes at all week totally saw you walk into that pillar in front of the JRC. You might want to stop staring at the ground all the time. And get a new shirt. That one you've been wearing all week just isn't that ironic. Also, avoid all Libras ... they've got it out for you.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22) - Watch out for ladders this week, especially six-foot ladders being carried around by your advisor. Avoid confrontation as well, unless, of course, you enjoy having animal claws embedded in your medulla. Try seducing a Virgo on the evenings of odd-numbered days.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - Your presidential ambitions will be dashed this week when you are caught snorting cocaine off an intern's stomach before your speech at the Harkin Steak Fry.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) - Wednesday is going to be the most awesome day you have ever had. Enjoy it while you can, because your professor is going to drop a bombshell on Thursday. Bring a helmet to class just in case.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The votes are in. YOU are America's Next Top Model.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The weather is not your friend this week. Try avoiding any sun, wind and rain. But if it snows, you've got it made. If it does snow, go out into the middle of Mac field and build the largest snowman possible. This is your fated way to attract your one true love. If it doesn't snow, that sucks for you. Settle in for a long period of lonely days and lonelier nights.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - Yes, that cute editor from the S&B has been flirting with you after class every day. Try paying a visit to the Student Publications office next Tuesday after 4:15.