Penthouse Poverty

The Cast:
Wyatt: The violent roommate
Tim: The elitist roommate
Mike: The roommate who still retains a (somewhat) functioning conscience

This week we join our heroes as they discuss the merits and drawbacks of their lair in the Cowles apartments. Tim, Mike, and Wyatt are sitting on the couch in their living room watching Wyatt play video games while sipping some beers. On a Monday afternoon.

Tim: Listen, guys, I’m sick of people telling us how nice our apartment is. All I hear is, “Oh, wow, you have air conditioning! How awesome!” Well, guess what: our air conditioning only goes down to a balmy 60 degrees, and it can’t even maintain that temperature with the windows open! That might be acceptable if we lived in Alaska, but after spending a day barefoot in the apartment with the air conditioning set as low as it can go, my toes STILL didn’t have frostbite. Now all my mittens and scarves are worthless … all I need is slippers and a blanket.
Wyatt: Did you see me just rip the head off that fiery Minotaur? Sweet!
Mike: Come on, now. We have it a lot better than most students. After all, the school gave us this TV.
Tim and Wyatt: Shut up, Mike!
Wyatt: Yeah, Mike, the school gave us this TV, and it sucks! First, it’s only, like, 30 inches. That is downright insulting. Plus, it’s not even HD! How am I supposed to watch Everybody Loves Raymond from this school-provided couch five feet away when I can’t see the pores on Ray Romano’s face?
Tim: On top of that, the cable the school gave us only has 60 channels. Just basic cable? Our peer institutions get HBO and SHOW-Time. If we want to stay competitive, we need to add some premium channels. The people demand CineMax!
Mike: Honestly, those things are just luxuries. We don’t need them to have a happy, fulfilling year together. After all, we have each other, and we have the joy of learning and expanding our friendships.
Tim and Wyatt: Shut up, Mike.
Mike: No, really, I think that living without all those things can bring us closer together!
Wyatt: Mike, if you continue to talk, you should seriously consider saying goodbye to those testicles.
Tim: How can this hellhole bring us together? We don’t even have a balcony!
Mike: We do have a loft, which is kinda like a balcony.
Wyatt: Yeah, but you see all those stairs going up to the loft? Stairs! Where is the elevator? Did Housing honestly think that after a hard day of playing video games I would have the energy to haul myself up 16 steps?
Tim: I thought this was America, not a third-world country!
Wyatt: And even though the school gave us a lot of free stuff, they didn’t deliver on some of their promises.
Tim: Yeah, they didn’t include a fireplace. That leaves me with almost no options for placing the Italian marble bust of myself that I commissioned last year. And where is the gold-plated fountain of champagne?
Wyatt: And no fireplace means I don’t have any place to burn things! Plus the walls are so thin that I can piss people off with my heavy metal without even trying. Where’s the challenge in that?
Tim: Really, Mike, we live like poor people here. And you know how much I hate poor people!
Mike: Tim, I think it’s time you rethought your attitude towards the less fortunate. They are people just like everyone else …
Tim and Wyatt: SHUT UP, MIKE!