Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19) – An unexpected call from your parents will leave you sexually frustrated and unable to look at trees at least until Wednesday.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May. 20) – After three weeks of constant drunkenness you will wake up to find that not only are you sober again, but that you don't really like the people you've been calling your friends all this time.

Gemini (May. 21 - Jun. 20) – If you've every thought about giving streaking a try, this week is not your week. The wind just won't be in your favor.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) – A sudden heart attack brought on by excessive steroid use won't stop you this week, Cancer. Keep shoving down those fried hot cakes and the ladies and the mens will be all up ons in no time.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – No one likes a crying Leo. Suck it up.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22) – If you thought last week was bad Virgo, check out this week. After a brief interlude with a can of mace, you'll come face to face with a hoard of angry Iowa farmers that aren't too happy that you've been stealing away their sultry daughters.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22) – The world is in your hands, Libra. Don't make the same mistakes you did last time.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) – The intelligentsia is catching on to your schemes. Make plans to flee either early on Tuesday or late on Friday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) – Beware of that sketchy person that sits in the back of your 8 a.m. class. He's not a student, and he really likes pocket protectors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Congratulations. This is the dawning of the age of Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Did you remember to wash your hands before dinner young lady?

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) – Your stunning good looks and Cary Grant-like charm will be the cause of a four bike collision on North Campus.