Horoscopes

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22) –On Sunday, you will write a new hit pop song that will earn you millions of dollars. By Tuesday, you will have dropped out of Grinnell and embarked on a nationwide tour. On Thursday, you’ll become an out-of-control drug addict and forsake your fan base. n Friday, your career will fail miserably and you’ll be forced to go back home and enroll in community college. However, by next Tuesday, you will have a culinary degree and a dumb but reasonably attractive fiancée. Bit of a whirlwind week, no?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) – I swear to God, if you poke me in the side and run away giggling one more time, I will punch you in the kidney. STOP IT.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) – This week, you will learn the true meaning of Christmas. However, your miserliness and materialism will be back with a vengeance by the time the holiday actually rolls around.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – This week, you will lose your first postgraduate job opportunity due to awkward drunken crossdressing pictures on facebook. You will then curse your stupidity and make promises to yourself that you will change all of your privacy settings and untag incriminating photos. However, before you get around to it, you’ll get distracted by liquor and wind up with tagged photos of you running around campus accosting sculptures with your genitals, which will result in the loss of your second postgraduate job opportunity.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Having trouble planning your future career and life goals? Simply walk over to your bookshelf, select the 6th book from the left, turn to page 135, and read the last complete sentence. In my case, this results in, "I'm pregnant with his child and want him to leave his wife and three girlfriends because I am more of a woman than they are." Now that is an actionable goal that my liberal arts education has adequately prepared me for.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) – Don't forget to trim/pluck those unsightly nose hairs. You never know when you might spontaneously fall in love with someone much shorter than you.

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19) – 95 percent of the time, horoscopes are stupid and wrong. That being said, the stars will align in your favor and you will meet your one true love if you send six candy bars and a check for $22.50 to box 3374.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May. 20) – Despite being a natural-born citizen of the USA, you will be unexpectedly deported to Siberia later this week. Perhaps all those snarky letters you wrote to the president during your activist days in high school weren’t actually such a good idea.

Gemini (May. 21 - Jun. 20) – The next bottle of shampoo you buy at Wal-Mart will single-handedly cause the collapse of small business in America. Nice job, jerk.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) – This week, you will click on one of those obnoxious sidebar ads that purport to calculate the exact name of your soulmate, and you will actually find and fall in love with your soulmate. S/he will be the person who comes to rid your computer of the horrible virus you contracted by clicking on stupid sidebar ads.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The fact that you live in Iowa is no excuse for not planning for grizzly bear attacks. Don’t be foolish.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22) – Fact: every time you sit around gossiping with your friends about how strange or inept one of your professors is, s/he is sitting around saying the same thing about you with other professors.