Horoscopes

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22) – Make or break: Your romantic partner is perfect in every way except that s/he is a vampire. This seemingly trivial question will become surprisingly relevant to your love life this upcoming week.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) – Your entire hallway can hear you having sex. I can hear you having sex. That’s just disrespectful.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) – This week, you will be confronted by no fewer than six wild possums. One of them will be carrying a small pouch full of $100 bills. Another will be rabid. Choose wisely.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Your 10/10 experience will be truly legendary. On Saturday, you feel like a king among men. On Sunday, you will learn, to your dismay, that nacho cheese damage is not covered by your laptop’s warrantee.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – As it turns out, the recent tornado warning was actually an elaborate plot by Dining Services to establish a dictatorial regime in the JRC basement. Be on the lookout this week for more mildly suspect warnings, such as earthquake, volcano, and tsunami. Believe me, they are willing to do Whatever It Takes to rule over you with an iron fist.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) – This is a bad week to come forward about that secret Freemasons ceremony you stumbled upon in the cornfields last summer. The police already know about it, and are probably in on it. Oh, and don’t eat the carrot cake.

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19) – Today is a good day to tell your crush how much you care. Preferably in an awkwardly public place, with gaudy flowers and overpriced chocolates. Because really, there hasn’t been a hold lot of entertaining gossip lately

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May. 20) – The bad news is you’ve recently developed a severe, life-threatening allergy to Cajun Shepherd’s Pie. The good news is that this will cause absolutely no change in your dietary decisions.

Gemini (May. 21 - Jun. 20) – Remember how your parents told you that they couldn’t make it out here for Parent’s Weekend? That was actually a lie. They came, but they just wanted to hang out with your ex instead of you. Perhaps if you bring those grades up or clean your room once in a while, they’ll stop by to say hi next time.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) – Don’t worry, that giant suspicious mole you spontaneously developed on your chest last week isn’t cancerous; it’s chocolate. Also, you should shower more.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – On Tuesday, you will single-handedly overthrow the white patriarchal hegemony. Just kidding. Instead, some townies will shout homophobic remarks at you from their pickup truck.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22) – On your trip home for fall break, you may be surprised to learn that Snakes on a Plane is not just a whimsical action spectacular starring Samuel L. Jackson. Watch for the black mambas, they’re feisty.