Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19) – An unexpected call from your parents will leave you sexually frustrated and unable to look at trees at least until Wednesday.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May. 20) – After three weeks of constant drunkenness you will wake up to find that not only are you sober again, but that you don't really like the people you've been calling your friends all this time.

Gemini (May. 21 - Jun. 20) – If you've every thought about giving streaking a try, this week is not your week. The wind just won't be in your favor.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) – A sudden heart attack brought on by excessive steroid use won't stop you this week, Cancer. Keep shoving down those fried hot cakes and the ladies and the mens will be all up ons in no time.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – No one likes a crying Leo. Suck it up.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22) – If you thought last week was bad Virgo, check out this week. After a brief interlude with a can of mace, you'll come face to face with a hoard of angry Iowa farmers that aren't too happy that you've been stealing away their sultry daughters.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22) – The world is in your hands, Libra. Don't make the same mistakes you did last time.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) – The intelligentsia is catching on to your schemes. Make plans to flee either early on Tuesday or late on Friday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) – Beware of that sketchy person that sits in the back of your 8 a.m. class. He's not a student, and he really likes pocket protectors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Congratulations. This is the dawning of the age of Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Did you remember to wash your hands before dinner young lady?

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) – Your stunning good looks and Cary Grant-like charm will be the cause of a four bike collision on North Campus.

Caution: crossword answers

Answers for Sept. 21 puzzle
1. Steiner
2. Gerhardt
3. Hamilton
4. Corn
5. Exco
6. Fall break
7. Graffiti
8. Intel
9. Lyle
10. Tutorial
11. Burling Library
12. Brio
13. YGB
14. S and B, or B and S
15. GORP

Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19) - If there's one astrological sign no one wants to be this week, it's probably Aries. Try changing it up if you can ... have you ever thought about being more of a Scorpio?

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May. 20) – The Ford Taurus has to be the worst car ever made. End of story. And now that they switched from making mid-sized Tauruses to making full-sized Tauruses, they've made the car even worse. I mean, you must have skill to take the worst car ever, and make it worse. Taurus, stay out of a Taurus.

Gemini (May. 21 - Jun. 20) - You're really sweet, Gemini, but the mullet thing is getting really distracting. I know a good barber in town if you'd like his number. If you don't want his number, though, I know how to get in touch with a few Billy Ray Cyrus fans in town, too.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Get rid of all that baggage you've been carrying around! Nobody's really been listening since Tuesday anyway. Or, if you're really into baggage, try making something up to keep things interesting, and throw a little truth in here and there. Someone's bound to take the bait and give you some superficial advice!

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You made some bad decisions last week that are going to haunt you. If you feel like sharing, e-mail [newspapr].

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22) - You might be loose, but you are not ready. Stay in this weekend and make yourself useful. By the way, that person you've been making eyes at all week totally saw you walk into that pillar in front of the JRC. You might want to stop staring at the ground all the time. And get a new shirt. That one you've been wearing all week just isn't that ironic. Also, avoid all Libras ... they've got it out for you.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22) - Watch out for ladders this week, especially six-foot ladders being carried around by your advisor. Avoid confrontation as well, unless, of course, you enjoy having animal claws embedded in your medulla. Try seducing a Virgo on the evenings of odd-numbered days.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - Your presidential ambitions will be dashed this week when you are caught snorting cocaine off an intern's stomach before your speech at the Harkin Steak Fry.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) - Wednesday is going to be the most awesome day you have ever had. Enjoy it while you can, because your professor is going to drop a bombshell on Thursday. Bring a helmet to class just in case.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The votes are in. YOU are America's Next Top Model.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The weather is not your friend this week. Try avoiding any sun, wind and rain. But if it snows, you've got it made. If it does snow, go out into the middle of Mac field and build the largest snowman possible. This is your fated way to attract your one true love. If it doesn't snow, that sucks for you. Settle in for a long period of lonely days and lonelier nights.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - Yes, that cute editor from the S&B has been flirting with you after class every day. Try paying a visit to the Student Publications office next Tuesday after 4:15.

Penthouse Poverty

The Cast:
Wyatt: The violent roommate
Tim: The elitist roommate
Mike: The roommate who still retains a (somewhat) functioning conscience

This week we join our heroes as they discuss the merits and drawbacks of their lair in the Cowles apartments. Tim, Mike, and Wyatt are sitting on the couch in their living room watching Wyatt play video games while sipping some beers. On a Monday afternoon.

Tim: Listen, guys, I’m sick of people telling us how nice our apartment is. All I hear is, “Oh, wow, you have air conditioning! How awesome!” Well, guess what: our air conditioning only goes down to a balmy 60 degrees, and it can’t even maintain that temperature with the windows open! That might be acceptable if we lived in Alaska, but after spending a day barefoot in the apartment with the air conditioning set as low as it can go, my toes STILL didn’t have frostbite. Now all my mittens and scarves are worthless … all I need is slippers and a blanket.
Wyatt: Did you see me just rip the head off that fiery Minotaur? Sweet!
Mike: Come on, now. We have it a lot better than most students. After all, the school gave us this TV.
Tim and Wyatt: Shut up, Mike!
Wyatt: Yeah, Mike, the school gave us this TV, and it sucks! First, it’s only, like, 30 inches. That is downright insulting. Plus, it’s not even HD! How am I supposed to watch Everybody Loves Raymond from this school-provided couch five feet away when I can’t see the pores on Ray Romano’s face?
Tim: On top of that, the cable the school gave us only has 60 channels. Just basic cable? Our peer institutions get HBO and SHOW-Time. If we want to stay competitive, we need to add some premium channels. The people demand CineMax!
Mike: Honestly, those things are just luxuries. We don’t need them to have a happy, fulfilling year together. After all, we have each other, and we have the joy of learning and expanding our friendships.
Tim and Wyatt: Shut up, Mike.
Mike: No, really, I think that living without all those things can bring us closer together!
Wyatt: Mike, if you continue to talk, you should seriously consider saying goodbye to those testicles.
Tim: How can this hellhole bring us together? We don’t even have a balcony!
Mike: We do have a loft, which is kinda like a balcony.
Wyatt: Yeah, but you see all those stairs going up to the loft? Stairs! Where is the elevator? Did Housing honestly think that after a hard day of playing video games I would have the energy to haul myself up 16 steps?
Tim: I thought this was America, not a third-world country!
Wyatt: And even though the school gave us a lot of free stuff, they didn’t deliver on some of their promises.
Tim: Yeah, they didn’t include a fireplace. That leaves me with almost no options for placing the Italian marble bust of myself that I commissioned last year. And where is the gold-plated fountain of champagne?
Wyatt: And no fireplace means I don’t have any place to burn things! Plus the walls are so thin that I can piss people off with my heavy metal without even trying. Where’s the challenge in that?
Tim: Really, Mike, we live like poor people here. And you know how much I hate poor people!
Mike: Tim, I think it’s time you rethought your attitude towards the less fortunate. They are people just like everyone else …
Tim and Wyatt: SHUT UP, MIKE!