Cut to the Quick

Okay, admit it. If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably on Facebook, too. I don’t care if you “almost never go on,” or if you think it’s “totally lame.” You’re on it. Period. Now that we’ve established that, we can get to the heart of the problem: profile pictures. Pictures of you smiling, or you with a friend or dressed up in some ridiculous (note: “ridiculous” and “slutty” are not the same thing) outfit … those pictures are okay. But there are certain types of pictures that aren’t.

The “Oh-My-God-I’m-So-Effing-Hottt” Pictures
You want to bring sexy back? I suggest you put it away again. I have no interest in pictures of you in your underwear, pictures of you giving any sort of “come hither” look to the camera or pictures of you taken by a professional photographer. Facebook isn’t a beauty contest, especially not here at Grinnell.If you put up some picture of you looking “sexy,” chances are everyone who sees it knows that you don’t look like that on a regular basis because they see you in the dining hall in your pajama pants eating stir fry and ice cream.

The “Look-Look-Look!-I-Have-a-Significant-Other!” Pictures
It’s wonderful that you have someone who thinks you’re special. Someone who likes you so much that they don’t tell you how creepy it is that you’re using a picture of the two of you kissing for your profile picture. Truly, I’m happy that the two of you have found each other. But I am not so happy for you that I have to be confronted with pictures of the two of you making out every time I turn on my computer, especially if the caption is something like, “Aren’t we soooo cute?” and you’ve listed their name as one of your interests. If you’re dating them, I’m going to assume that you find them interesting. (Although if you do this, I’m not sure that I can say what they see in you.) You do not need to inform the Facebook world of your relationship. It just makes it more entertaining when the status suddenly goes from “In A Relationship” to “It’s Complicated” and finally to “Single,” and the profile picture goes from the happy couple to you with your cat.

The “My-Soul-Is-On-Fire” Pictures
I’m sorry that you feel so much more existential angst than the rest of us. I realize that as an artiste, your emotions run deeper than those of the average person. You alone recognize the injustices in the world, and thankfully, you’ve found a medium to express this to the world: your Facebook picture. That black-and-white picture of you looking morosely off into the distance, or of just your eye, caked in black eyeliner, really makes the rest of the world take a closer look at itself and realize its inadequacies. The very fact that you can put down your poetry journal or guitar long enough to participate in something so pedestrian as Facebook astounds me, and I commend you for it.

Yes, Facebook may be a little ridiculous, and it is kind of embarrassing to admit that you use it. But don’t make it worse than it already is. Don’t be one of these people.